As a parent with a child who needs help, it is very easy to get very focused on them and on their needs and their problems. If you are starting neurofeedback with your child, it is equally as easy to project that the brain training is going to “fix” them. While we often see that kids are more focused, better organized, and happier after neurofeedback, it isn’t accurate to think of it as a “fix” or a cure. It is training, much like going to the gym. And we need the “gym” as much as they do. When we approach brain training as a kind of “fix” for them, we communicate, unwittingly, an anxious focus—and they pick up on it. And this can get in the way of their results as well as your ability to see their results. See this story about how this happened in my own family! Consider the following tips for parentswho are introducing brain training for kids.
Brain Training for Kids: Tips for Parents
Number One: Realistic Needs or Projected Fears
It is important during these times to develop the ability to differentiate between the realistic needs of the child and the projection of worry onto the child. Helpful questions to ask oneself might include:
- What is the child or teen realistically capable of doing to work towards addressing their challenges? (If you say nothing, you may be in projecting mode.)
- What do you do on a regular basis, for your child, that the child is capable of doing on their own?
- When is the last time your child surprised you? If it’s been a while, is your worry in their way?
- How many times in a day, let’s say a bad day, do you project a negative future for your child or teen—whether internally or externally?
Consider the words of my friend and colleague and author of ScreamFree Parenting: “You don’t know Jack…or Heidi…or Max…” Hal Runkel, Marriage and Family Therapist, encourages parents to step back a little from what they think they know about their kids. You don’t know how they are going to turn out. You don’t know the future. You DO know about how a worried parent can project that worry onto their child and inadvertently shape that child’s view of themselves. This projection can actually also get in the way of the neurofeedback training. Read on for more tips on how to minimize this.
Brain Training for Kids: Tips for Parents
Number Two: Adding tasks vs. removing barriers
When our kids need help, often times our first instinct is to add. When our daughter needed help, we added supplements and dietary requirements. We know of many folks who add other things like tutors and brain exercises and behavior charts. There is nothing wrong with any of this, but sometimes, rather than adding, it’s important to remove barriers first—barriers that get in the way of learning, behaving, thinking, and feeling productively. If you are considering neurofeedback, you are considering a powerful way to remove brain barriers. These barriers include poor brain function but also how this translates into:
- Poor stress management
- Cravings for junk food
- Poor sleep habits
Using the NeurOptimal® brain training approach, you will find that there is nothing being added to the brain. We are unique in this way. And in this way, we offer benefits that other approaches to neurofeedback don’t. You can read more here. In addition, there are many gimmicks out there that claim to be neurofeedback in the $200 to $400 range. Beware of these. They tend to be a one size fits all approach. They help some for sure but not as many as they claim. The difference between these gimmicks and NeurOptimal® are like the difference between a kazoo and an orchestra. You will get your money’s worth.
Brain Training for Kids: Tips for Parents
Number Three: The most powerful brain training for kids…
The most powerful neurofeedback for kids is the neurofeedback you give yourself. For every one session they do, you do two. Related to Tips for Parents #2 above, the most powerful way to remove barriers to kids’ learning and functioning well is to remove yourself as a barrier…to get your own therapy or neurofeedback, seek marriage counseling, nurture your body and soul…etc. This isn’t code for YOU’RE-CAUSING-YOUR-CHILD’S-PROBLEMS! Rather, it’s an awareness that when our kids legitimately need help, our reactions and responses can either get in their way or help them progress forward (or both). The point is simply that it’s far too easy for us to minimize or entirely miss how sensitive our children are to us—even when they act like they are not. And it’s far too easy for us to put ourselves last on the list.
By whatever grace or luck or divine order that may exist, I came across Hal’s book (ScreamFree Parenting) when my girls were pretty young.Things were getting a little bit out of hand for me at home with two very strong minded young girls. I wantedthem to be strong. I just didn’t want them fighting me every step of the way for things like getting out the door for school or going to bed on time or brushing their teeth. I could go on. Can you feel me? Hal’s number one suggestion was for parents to take care of themselves first and foremost. Put your own oxygen mask on first. It’s a hard choice but one that will pay off down the road. (We have a webinar coming in the next couple of weeks with Hal and me. Once it’s ready we’ll provide links here. Hal is an amazing resource for parents. You won’t want to miss it!)
Brain Training for Kids: Tips for Parents
Number Four: Don’t Coax. Lead.
As I’ve stated in a previous post, being and staying clear about self, about what you believe to be important, about what your own limits are, and about your values and principles is the key to leadership in a family. There are times when parents call us and are concerned that their child won’t cooperate with them and do the training. Two things to consider:
- Prioritize your own training. See Candi’s story here.
- Consider a leadership stance.
For our family, this meant giving our oldest a choice between gas money and neurofeedback sessions. As many 16-year olds do, she thinks that brain training is “stupid” and a “total waste.” Have you been there? Can you feel me? The fact is that we’ve never seen her as focused as she is nor has she slept as well until now. She can’t see it. That’s OK. We do. A big part of parenting is keeping one’s eyes on the horizon when everyone else is stuck in the mud. Keeping one’s eyes on one’s self and one’s goals is key.
Brain Training for Kids: Tips for Parents
Number Five: Brain training for kids is a lifestyle, not a diet.
As alluded to in the first paragraph, brain training is best thought of as brain fitness. In order to achieve one’s fitness goals, one has to continue with the training. This varies for different families and different individuals. It can mean once a year; it can mean once a month. I seem to do best with 1-2 times a week. My youngest is good with about 10 sessions over the summer, 5 in the fall semester, and 5 in the spring. What is your best schedule? Is a rental your best option or should you consider a purchase for life long use? Check out the links for more information.